I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
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Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
When are your genitals available?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.