Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.