i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
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Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
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Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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