so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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