My first STD was from a foam party
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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