Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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