now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
