I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
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Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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My boob is missing a layer of skin
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.