Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.