I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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