Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
