I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.