It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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