chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
21 Guys Share Their Insane Stripper Stories
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
27 Reasons Why Men Need To Moan More During Sex
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more