i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
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Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night