I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?