Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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