k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
