Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
