There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
