look no pants
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just google imaged poop.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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