my vag is so smooth its legendary
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize