Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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