Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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