Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Found the puke drawer
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
