hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
