babies were throwing up all over the place
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
