im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
I love having hate sex.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.