I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
