Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
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Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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