Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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