Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a blender
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize