Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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