I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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