Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me