dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
