and my herpes radar will keep us safe
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
