Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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