It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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