Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
