It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
