Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
