I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
