I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
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Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.