I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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