just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sext me about skeletons
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize