Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
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Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?