I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?