I wish I could teleport
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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