You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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