The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
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Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
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Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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