i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
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I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
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If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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