Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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