non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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