guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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